The Tender Bar with Paul McDonald and Britt Mooney

This week on the Men at the Movies podcast, we belly up to the Tender Bar starring Ben Affleck and Tye Sheridan, which is based on the book of the same name by JR Moehringer. One of the most important challenges we face is choosing what voice we listen to: will we listen to the voice of the imposter, the false father, or our true father who bestows our identity? When we don’t receive validation and approval, we end up seeking it from all the wrong places. Our most important resource is the relational capital we build with those around us. So come on in, we’ll back up your next drink, and let’s discover God’s truth in this movie.

Quotes

• If you don’t know who your dad is, you don’t know who you are.

• Children want to hear two things: I love you and I’m proud of you.

• When our fathers don’t give us validation, we seek it from the wrong sources.

• We need to be open enough to receive the correct voices, and also able to filter out the false voices.

• My goal isn’t to make you like (similar to) me, but to make you like (similar to) Christ.

• “In retrospect, what you do next is going to be important.”

• We become what we focus on.

• The Voice will always be in our heads, whether it’s the imposter syndrome or the false father or the lies of the enemy.We have to respond like JR did, and tell the voice to shut up. We choose which voice we listen to.

 Themes

• Dealing with imposter syndrome.  When we achieve what we are trying to achieve, the goal line of success moves with it, and leaves us feeling unworthy of what we accomplished because we haven’t accomplished what’s next.

• Relational Capital—someone believing in you, encouraging and supporting you is the most important element of the story. People who can see us and know us.

• The search for the false father contrasted with the ability to choose which father to listen to

• Signs of a true father: Charlie speaks truth to JR, Charlie lets JR figure things out (girls, father, school, work).  JR didn’t need someone to tell him what to do or think, he needed someone to be beside him as he learned how the world worked.  Charlie invites JR into his world, lets him engage with the men at the bar, showed him how to navigate the world, gave him opportunity and encouragement to pursue his passion

Resources

• Hillbilly Elegy: A Memoir of a Family and Culture in Crisis by J.D. Vance

• “Don’t ask what the world needs. Ask what makes you come alive, and go do it. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive.” - Howard Thurman

• “God places the lonely in families; he sets the prisoners free and gives them joy.” Psalms 68:6 (NLT)

• “Submit yourselves therefore to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you.” - James 4:7 (ESV)

Questions

• What does relational capital look like to you? Who has given it to you? Who have you contributed to?

• Who has encouraged/supported/believed in you?  How has that contributed to where you are today?

• Where do you feel like you screwed things up?

• How did your father validate you?  How did he invalidate you?

• Where do you search for validation?  Women? Work? Achievement? Competition?

• Where do you feel like you’re not good enough?

• How do invest in what you’re good at?

• If you could get paid for anything, what would you do?

• Where do you feel like you’re an imposter?  Like you’re faking it and afraid someone will find out?